steps to get over a bad breakup

6 recommended steps to get over any kind of breakup quickly (by experts)

Breaking up almost always leaves a mess, usually leaves it in the hands of who loved more or who was blindsided by it. I took it upon myself to discover how to get over a breakup in the shortest possible time. After much research and digging, I was able to discover some methods recommended by experts in this field and some key research that has been conducted over the years. With all that in mind, I was able to put together these 6 steps to get over breakup much faster than the usual average 3-6 months recovery time from a breakup.

  1. Determination

The first few days after the breakup are usually the worst, the pain and hurt seem to never take a break. You remember the person through any little thing. You miss the person so much and angry with the person at the same time. Tess Brigham, a San Francisco-based psychotherapist and certified life coach agrees. “It’s okay to feel sad one day, mad the next, in denial the day after, and back to feeling sad again.”

But even with all these roller coasters of emotions going on, you have to decide at some point if it’s time to get over the breakup or if you want to keep wallowing in self-pity and negative energy for the rest of your life. 

To get over a breakup no matter how terrible it may have been, you have to take the first step of deciding you want to get over it. There is nothing anyone can do that will help you recover from a breakup if you don’t first decide you want to survive the breakup. In the words of Cherlyn Chong a rapid breakup recovery coach and dating specialist “Just make a decision that you’re going to get over this, and you will”

So, Are you ready to get over that breakup?

  1. Avoid the venting pit

You just had the worst breakup ever and you have so much pent-up rage and anger inside, it is easy to pick up the phone and vent for hours about how bad the breakup got you. You feel like you would get better if you could just vent it all out. 

What if that isn’t the case. Do you know that research has shown that venting has more tendency to increase your anger and frustration instead of decreasing it? 

Instead of venting your anger and frustration of the breakup, here is an alternative that has been researched and proven to work far more effectively, it is also used by therapists in handling people with trauma. 

Research has shown that writing about traumatic and emotional events helps improve both your physical and psychological health. So instead of venting, start writing. The more you write about it the less traumatic and painful it will get.

This is the most important step in recovering fast from a breakup. Write about how, when, and why it happened. Write about all the painful bits of the breakup. Keep rewriting it until you start to feel its hold over you begin to loosen. Then write some more till it doesn’t make you emotional anymore. 

  1. Cutting the person off completely

Brian Boutwell, an evolutionary psychologist at St. Louis University “Falling in love presents very much like an addictive process, You have this drive to get that fix in the form of being around the person that you care about.” 

Just like recovering from every other trauma, poison, or addiction, you have to completely cut off ties with the source of the problem in order to give your body and mind space to recover.

In addition, Charly Lester, dating expert and CMO of Lumen says “If the breakup was instigated by the other person, delete their number from your phone, so you aren’t inclined to contact them, ” 

When you are in this phase of getting over a breakup, you have to make sure you have as minimal contact with the person as much as you can. The wound is still fresh, you have to cover it up for it to heal properly. By stalking the person online or calling and texting the person numerous times a day, you are only opening up the old wounds and making it worse.

In situations where you can’t avoid seeing the person every day like in school and can’t delete the person’s contact like in the workplace, you can strictly restrict all informal communication and keep it official. In school, you can likely cut off all direct communications and block the person on your social media accounts. 

  1. Let go of the past

Think of the past as a chain strapped around your legs, the harder you try to move forward the greater the pain and damage it causes. In other to successfully move forward, you have to cut yourself free from the chain.

In this case, the chain consists of all those regrets, pain, the hurtful words that were said at the end, the horrendous crime committed against you by the one you love. You must cut yourself from those things if you want to move on.

Brigham says “Forgive yourself for mistakes you made in the relationship, and forgive the other person, “

Only when you forgive, will you heal.

Only when you forgive, will you move on

Only when you forgive, will the chains be broken.

  1. Try new things

Before I say anything on this, I would love for you to hear it first from the horse’s mouth.

“In the early days after a break-up, you’re likely not to feel great, so try to distract yourself as much as possible,” says Lester “Once a week, find a coffee shop or a restaurant you’ve never been to, and invite at least one friend to go with you,” Mary Jo Rapini, a psychotherapist

The experts have made it clear. After a breakup, you need to find a good way to distract yourself from any emotion that still is there.

This is the point where many people get it wrong. They try to distract themselves with the wrong things. 

  • Some fall back to hard drugs and alcohol to norm the pain
  • Others fall on unhealthy consumption of large amounts of comfort foods
  • Some try to find a rebound to soothe the pain and hurt

These are all wrong ways to distract yourself from a bad breakup. 

Using these ways only creates more future problems for you. Hasn’t the bad breakup caused enough damage for a lifetime? Why add to it?

Here are healthy ways to distract yourself from a breakup so you can get over it.

  • Take a trip(preferably a new location)
  • Create new personal or work-related goals and work tirelessly towards achieving them
  • Hang out more with family and friends(create some new ones if possible)
  1. Seek help professionally

The estimated average time it takes to get over a breakup is 3 to 6 months  This result was obtained by the coalition of 2 prominent research. One is a poll conducted by OnePoll in collaboration with Yelp EAT24 in 2017 and the other a research conducted in 2007

If you exceed these timeframes and you are still emotional about the breakup, you should book an appointment with a specialist to help you get over the breakup.

Also, if the breakup is causing you to become depressed, do not take it likely. Voice out and book an appointment today.