Relationships that are built on a solid transparent foundation should always remain transparent. Both partners should try their best to always tell their spouse about any new development that has the power to affect the person.

But most times, a situation might come up that you are not proud of. It’s in times like these that your commitment to the promise you made to the person is tested. Will you tell the person what just happened or will you keep it a secret?

Before you decide, allow me to walk you down in sequential order, how keeping secrets in a relationship can possibly affect you and the relationship.

1.  The relationship dodge a bullet

I won’t lie to you that keeping secrets in a relationship always turns out badly, here is a complete truth. There are a handful of people who have successfully taken dreaded secrets to the grave without their spouse ever finding out, at least not when they were alive. Such secrets would have such placed the relationship in troubled waters and probably lead to its demise. But by keeping a secret, the relationship dodged a bullet that might have killed it.

Here is the second half of such a decision. By keeping such a secret, it implies your spouse has been living a lie, or would you prefer I say “living in a fantasy world”? When you keep such a secret that can alter how your partner sees you, it means they are living a dream with a part of you and not the whole you. Can you live with that on your conscience?

Read up: Secret of A Long Lasting Relationship – (The Hidden Truth)

2.  Leads to more secrets and relationship sin

This is like every other bad stuff out there. When you do something wrong and you try to keep it a secret, it would prompt you to keep other secrets that are related to it. You then enter an endless spiral of one secret to another. It’s in this stage that most people who keep secrets in a relationship are caught when the secrets have just become too many to keep.

Most times it starts off with just one small secret you think is too bad for your spouse to know. But in your quest to keep the secret, you end up doing other things more dreaded than the first and those also require more secrets.

A lady keeping secret
Hiding more secrets

3.  It creates another version of you

This next phase of keeping secrets in a relationship happens only if you still continue with the relationship with all the secrets and the secret of those secrets. The whole act of what you have done starts taking its toll. Instead of an onetime thing you would have probably worked out with your spouse, in trying to keep the secret in your relationship, you have created a totally different version of yourself.

The version isn’t usually for the better. You have done a lot of things to try to cover just that one thing or have even continued doing it since you got away with it in the first place that you are beginning to believe this is the true you.

4.  Destroys the pillars of the relationship

Every relationship is held up by some relationship pillars. When you start keeping secrets and creating more secrets, it destroys everything the relationship stands by. The deeper and longer you keep the secret, the more damage it does to the relationship.

Remember how many times your spouse has talked about being open and real to each other. Do you also remember how the relationship was built on trust and loyalty?

The moment you start keeping secrets in the relationship you destroy the pillars the relationship was built on.

5.  Creates distance in the relationship

This is another unfortunate consequence of keeping secrets in a relationship. It has a way of playing with your mind. All the guilty conscience starts weighing down on you. You begin to feel you do not deserve such a good spouse thereby creating an emotional distance in the relationship.
Most people in this stage try to redeem themselves by showering so much love and gifts(If they can afford it) on their spouse so they can make up for being bad in the past. If they keep it up for long without relapsing on whatever it was they are keeping secret, soon the guilty conscience and distance created would start to wash away and the relationship would return to its original state with the sins of the past locked away forever.

Not everyone can completely self-redeem themselves. A set of people will get so soaked in repeating the crime they committed that it becomes more important than the relationship. Soon they grow so emotionally distant from the relationship that it starts becoming too obvious to their spouse.

Distance in a relationship
Keeping distance while watching movies

6.  Hurts your partner more than it should

We have gotten to that OMG!!! moment where your spouse finds of the secret you have battled so hard to keep hidden. The hurt and heartache you have been trying to avoid have befallen you. You can see the deep hurt in the eyes of your spouse mixed with great disappointment. Your world has just turn upside down.

You try your best to salvage the situation. You try to plead your way through this one but it just doesn’t work. The cut was so deep. When the person finds out the other secrets you created in your attempt to keep the first secret, the cut will go deeper.

You may get lucky and get a second chance in the relationship, but the relationship will never return to its original form. Not everyone is that lucky to get a second chance after the secret is out of the bag.

Read up: Healing A Broken Relationship Series: Learning Forgiveness In A Relationship

7.  Scares your partner for life

For those whom the secrets and lies finally catch up with them and break the relationship, it does something else you never factored in. Keeping secrets in your relationship scares your partner for life. They will find it extremely hard to trust another person to the extent they once trusted you.

It starts becoming a burden they carry into every relationship they enter. They just can’t just another person again, not after what you did to them before. That’s the reason why you see a lot of persons entering a relationship with major trust issues. The thought of how they were busy trusting you and you were busy doing something completely off can’t leave their head.

There is only a handful who can fully trust again after being stabbed in the chest by someone they completely trusted.


  1. N/a June 13, 2020 at 5:07 pm

    This hit hard for me. See I have been on the hurting side of this. Im a over thinking kind of person. It dose not take long before i can read a person and there emotions. I kinda feel like I’ve been lied to so much its normal for this to happen to me in life. I have tought myself to forgive and forget but do i really do ether of these in the end. It seams as if im desensitized to any real pain. I just keep going forward in the relationship and let things role off my shoulders. But truth is it f…… sucks. Always looking/ analyzing trying to find the lie befor it happens. Probably not healthy for one to do but i have this tendency to tell myself it could have been worse. But if it happens repeatedly is it all together just bad. And the idea of it could be worse seems to just be a comfortable place to be. so I dont really find myself in so much hurt. Most times I just stop talking and give up on communicating my feelings and just lock away. Life is hard and relationship are hard. But I truly believe in love so much that im not sure I love myself because of the love I have for my girlfriend .

    1. LoversBud Editor June 13, 2020 at 10:07 pm

      I can literally feel your pain. But you have to find a way to heal from all those hurts. I would have advised you to stay away from relationships until you completely heal and learn to love yourself well again. But you are already in a relationship. You are a really great guy and you deserve a great girl too. I hope your girlfriend knows how lucky she is to have a guy love her this much. But for her sake, you need to heal from all the hurts in the past so it won’t ruin what you have right now.
      I wish you all the best of luck


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