There is no relationship without a bit of argument. Some argue more than others, and most of these arguments are usually over little things which may sound very trivial and funny to you as a stranger. At the point where there is a constant argument in a relationship, the relationship starts becoming frustrating.
Why Do Couples Argue Constantly?
The major reason why couples quarrel is because they have different backgrounds and their understanding, values, & perceptions differ. Sometimes, these core differences clash together in form of issues in a relationship.
There is an endless list of issues couples fight over; ranging from something so trivial as, “why didn’t you put the toilet seat down” “why didn’t you answer when I called”, to something more serious as “can’t believe you cheated on me with my own best friend” “you know how much I detest this yet you still did it”. The list goes on and on but these countless reasons can be grouped into 3 kinds.
Kinds of Couples Argument
- Accumulated argument
- Intrinsic argument
- Stand-alone argument
- Accumulated argument: This argument occurs when couples form the habit of overlooking issues or brushing issues under the carpet. At first they may think it’s a very effective way to avoid arguments but in the long run, it causes a great deal of harm because these problems/issues don’t just disappear. Instead, they accumulate over time and transform into something so big. Usually, this type of argument is over things that may look silly to other people, but only the couple can understand the true weight of the argument.
- Intrinsic argument: This argument arises from something that may be very important to one person in a relationship but may not mean much to the other partner. It may be felt more by one person than the other and it’s usually about a great expectation that was cut short by the other person. For example, her birthday is coming up and she expects you to remember and do something romantic for her because she’s probably marking a milestone, but you completely forget for the first time in 5 years or just say ‘Happy Birthday baby’ with no gifts, texts or other gestures. At that point, to her, that would mean something more than just forgetting. She could interpret it to mean that your love for her is reducing because you overlooked how important that particular birthday is to her.
- Stand-alone argument: This is a basic argument that happens on a regular interval. Things like, “Whose turn is it to order pizza?” or “Who is to drive the kids back from school?” are usual in this type of argument. Stand-alone arguments can actually be fun to watch to outsiders and it’s commonly known as “couples squabbles”.
Is It Healthy To Constantly Argue In a Relationship?
An argument in a relationship is actually healthy. Just as struggle inspires growth, so is argument to a relationship. Settling argument strengthens bonds and love between couples. It’s also similar to going to the gym and putting your muscles through strains in order to make it stronger.
Recommended: 4 Major Reasons Why Marriages Fail Within 5 Years
It can also be seen as a test of strength in a relationship. When the love between a couple is strong, they will triumph over every argument and issue they encounter and also use them to climb higher in their relationship and grow stronger.
In some cases, overcoming these arguments and issues they encounter, gives them something to hold on to in darker times. That is why we often hear couples who have stayed long together say something like “I can’t leave him/her after all we’ve been through”. At this point, the issues and fights they’ve had over time and their ability to never give up on their love become a pillar they hold on to in times of troubles.
But the constant argument in a relationship is bad for a relationship. When a couple constantly argues over almost everything, it puts too much strain on their relationship and doesn’t give it time to heal properly. If the constant argument remains unchecked, it would make the relationship toxic for both parties and would unavoidably end in a breakup.
When can arguments be said to be too much
Arguments in a relationship should be periodic and far apart, giving the relationship enough time to heal and strengthen the bonds. But when there is a constant argument in a relationship, it leaves no room for healing. At that point, the argument is too much and unhealthy.
How to end constant arguments in a relationship
Here are five ways to end constant argument in a relationship
- Don’t just hear, listen
- Study your partner
- Understand your partner better
- Re-kindle your love life
Don’t just hear, Listen!
In some arguments, both partners might be saying the same thing but because no one is truly listening, they keep on arguing. I’ve experienced this several times. My girlfriend and I have had several heated arguments over the course of our relationship, only for us to discover after these arguments that we were both saying the same thing.
By listening carefully and not just hearing to counter your partner, the constant arguments you have in your relationship would greatly reduce.
Study your partner
When you begin to notice that there is a constant argument in your relationship, it’s time for you to create a little time to self-reflect on the main cause of the constant argument. 70% of the time, it will be based on an entirely different matter that has no direct link to the arguments. For example, a constant argument in a relationship may be because a partner isn’t feeling loved. You may think that your partner knows you love them dearly, but have you communicated it to them through their primary love language? Read this article The 5 Languages of Love for all you need to know about love languages.
Try to understand your partner
Have you heard of the saying “before you judge me, try walking a mile in my shoes?” It’s easy for us to hold our ground while arguing because we feel we’re right and have done nothing wrong. But if you make an effort towards understanding your partner’s point of view before concluding and preparing your opposition speech, you’ll discover that the rate of arguments you have will reduce.
The simple act of saying “am sorry” can go a long way for a couple that constantly argues. Apologizing when you are wrong will start the forgiving process in the heart of your partner. Most people can never apologize for their wrong even when it’s clear that they are truly wrong. This alone can cause a ripple effect that’ll cause constant argument in a relationship.
Apologizing when you aren’t wrong is usually done to maintain peace in the relationship. Saying “am sorry” when you aren’t at fault shouldn’t be done regularly, in order to avoid being used as a doormat. I recommending doing this only in few arguments to avoid buildup of issues like we discussed earlier.
Rekindle your love life
During the first stage of the relationship, love covers most of the flaws of a partner. At that stage, they seem perfect and almost all arguments are dismissed instantly by love. But as the relationship progresses, the initial flame may begin to diminish and with that, the flaws of the partner become more visible and harder to settle as before.
It is essential for couples to take a break from their busy lives and spend quality time together; take a vacation (not necessarily a luxurious one) or do things that were done in the initial stage which kindled the love between them.
Putting an end to the constant argument in a relationship isn’t the work of just one person. It should be done by both parties. So I encourage you to share this post with your spouse or if you can’t do that personally due to some reasons. We can do it for you, anonymously of course. All you have to do is drop their email address in the comment section (the email address would only be seen by the moderators due to privacy reasons).