Being in a relationship with a narcissist is just like playing Russian roulette, you are in fear of the next time the person pulls the trigger. You know for a fact that the narcissist will do everything in their power to put you down, and will always put in extra efforts to ensure you stay down. The narc does this the same way an armed robber keeps his victim under control, and that’s by holding a weapon against you. For a narc, that weapon is his outbursts, verbal lashing, dehumanizing statements, even violence in some cases. 

Wouldn’t it be nice if you could disarm your narcissistic spouse? Without their weapon, they have nothing. Without their weapon, you stand a chance to make the relationship good or even help them to get the psychological help they need. For any of this to be possible, you have to first disarm the narcissist. Today I will take you on a step-by-step process on how you could disarm your narcissistic partner.

Warning: These steps work only on non-violent narcissists. To disarm a violent narcissist, you simply have to go no contact and permanently cut ties with the narcissist.

“Never stay in a violent relationship. Your life is more precious than the love of any man or woman”

Seven steps to disarm a narcissist quickly

  1. Overcome your fears

Fearlessness is a powerful weapon, it would make you see things you could see, and say things that need to be said. Overcoming your fears makes you capable of thinking quicker for ways to both defend and attack. Fearlessness has the power to put fear in the minds of your oppressors and in this case, put your narcissistic spouse off balance.

This is why you need to first overcome your fears of the narcissist. You need to realize the person is only as powerful as you let him/her be. 

The narcissist isn’t a god, nor does the narcissist possess any superhuman power, he is just a childhood troubled adult who developed a personality disorder.

Overcome your fears and be done with feeling sorry for yourself, you are not the one with the disorder. 

Take notes of those key areas the narcissist frequently uses to put you down. It could be your shape, cooking, parenting skill, or dressing. To disarm the narcissist, you have to learn to overcome your fears or insecurities in those areas. Ask for the opinion of a neutral party if you do need to improve in those areas. And make the necessary adjustments if any has to be made.

The next time your narcissistic spouse tries to put you down through those areas, it would be impossible, you will be standing twice as tall and that would throw them off balance. Next

  1. Figure out what went wrong

No one knows the real cause of NPD, but studies have it that Narcissism is caused by 

  • Environment
  • Neurobiology
  • Genetics

So look for anomalies in their childhood that could potentially trigger the disorder.

To be able to disarm a narcissist, you must first be able to know how they think and what makes them tick. You have to get to the root of the problem and understand the point at which they snapped.

It could be the way their parents raised them or a traumatic event from the past.

  1. No more games

Narcissists feed off 2 things

  • Unmerited praise from others
  • Agony of others

A narcissist will always try to bait you to fall for any of these. It’s either they are putting you in a corner to squeeze out unduly praise from you to feed their ever-growing ego, or they are baiting you to fall into a carefully set trap to push you to the ground. The narcissist feeds off your reaction when their action causes you pain, they love seeing you on your knees at their mercy. The sight trills them and empowers them to do more.

It’s time you put an end to such a toxic circle. Praise them only when they deserve it and dodge every trap they set to make you feel less of yourself. 

Stop giving the narcissist the pleasure of seeing you wallow in grief, or enraged with anger, or seeing you beneath them. 

  1. Mend the broken boundaries

A narcissistic spouse has no regard for your boundaries. The narc sees him/herself as the superior, so that gives him/her the right to do to you as they see fit. 

Disarming the narcissistic spouse requires you to put an end to such a violation of your personal life. Next time your narcissistic spouse is about to step out of line with you. Stop the narc in their tracks and make it clear you will never longer take such behavior. 

Setting those clear visible limits not only goes a long way in disarming the narcissist, but it also helps you put yourself back together. Dating a narcissist can take a toll on your personal life and relationships with others, but setting a clear boundary helps put things in perspective and improves both your mental health and your relationship with other people. Just like Aimee Daramus, PsyD said:

“If you’re trying to preserve a relationship with a narcissist, the best thing to do is set direct limits and stick to them.”


  1. Empathic confrontation

This is the Holy Grail. Now, if you are wondering how you both stop a narcissist in his tracks and mend your broken boundaries, thereby disarming the narcissist without setting him/her off in a fit of rage, then I recommend you use the technique developed by Wendy T. Behary a renowned narcissist expert and the author of the best selling narcissism book called “Disarming the Narcissist: Surviving & Thriving with the Self-Absorbed“.

After years of research, she devised a technique that works perfectly in stopping a narc and putting them in place without causing much argument. It’s called Empathetic confrontation. 

This is about combining empathy with confrontation to achieve the best possible outcome. Empathy here doesn’t mean rolling on the ground to seek pity or begging them for mercy. 

It’s about letting them know you understand how they feel or why they want things done in the way they do, but they just can’t keep acting that way. Show as much empathy as you can for what they have been through, then make it clear that they can’t keep doing what they are doing.

Here are some examples of phrases used in disarming a narcissist

  • I know you are this way because of all the times you got betrayed in the past, I understand that it’s not your fault, but I can’t let you take it out on me
  • I’m sorry if you feel that way towards me, if after all these years together and that’s what you think of me, then there is nothing I will do that can change it.
  • “It’s understandable that you want things to be perfect because that’s how you were raised, but Tom, no one is 100% perfect. So don’t expect me to be perfect”

Notice all these statements used in disarming a narcissist have something in common, and that’s combining empathy with setting a limit. You are saying to the narcissist, I understand why you are complaining or angry, but at the same time making it clear what your boundaries are. 

Obviously, the narcissist will have a counter reply. You can then use conversation stoppers like:

  • “Sure”
  • “No problem”
  • “That’s alright”

The ultimate goal is to disarm the narcissist without getting into a messy fight. So after saying what needs to be said, just ignore any further bait. See yourself as a celebrity being chased down by paparazzi trying to bait you into a conversation or to get you pissed so you can react. Do what the celebrities do, they say whatever they want to get off their chest, and give no further comment. 

  1. Use a leverage

The above steps would help you disarm any narcissist quickly, be it your narcissistic husband or wife. But it would require you to keep doing that every single time they try to pick up their ammo again. It can be draining and tasking. How many times do you have to disarm them before they learn to stop picking their ammo around you? No one knows the answer to that question, not even the narcissist.

One way to get a long-lasting solution to disarming your narcissistic spouse is by getting them to see a therapist. The only problem is Narcissists do not like going for therapy, because it implies there is something wrong with them.

To get your narc spouse to therapy, you need to have leverage. There has to be a consequence that’s meaningful enough to them to get them to go to therapy.

A good leverage would be something the narcissist does not want to lose. It could be you or your children, his property, or even a court order. It needs to be strong enough to overcome his need to always be right and in control. 


So the perfect way to properly disarm any narcissistic spouse is to combine empathy with confrontation and a leveraged must-see-a-doctor order. If the leverage is strong enough, you stand a huge chance to disarm your narcissistic spouse for a very long time.

Some examples of fortified phrases disarm narcissists for a longer period

  • This relationship means a lot to me, I have tried my best to be understanding and good, but I can’t keep enduring your abuses any longer. If you want this relationship to continue, then you will have to go see a therapist.
  • You had a troubled childhood and I understand it took a toll on you. But what I will not understand or accept from you, is you allowing your troubled past to affect our kids’ lives. It’s either you go see a therapist or you won’t see any of us again.

The stronger the leverage, the stronger your chance of getting the narcissist to go for therapy. 

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