Most couples (mostly married) fight every day, not because they don’t or didn’t love each other. If you were to take them to a polygraph (lie dictator), you will find out that they honestly do love their spouse. Now the question is if they but love their spouse, why didn’t their spouse feel the love? The answer is simple but not easy. It’s because of THE 5 LOVE LANGUAGES.
The man who discovered the 5 languages of love is none other than Dr. Gary D. Chapman. He is a counselor who looked at the patterns of how married couples kept having issues even if they sincerely loved their partner and he then discovered the five languages of love.
I encourage those who love reading books to get a copy and read because he talked about other things outside the 5 languages which I won’t be writing about. Here is the link to the book. But for all those who wouldn’t find that necessary, I will be discussing at length all you need to know about the 5 languages, so please read to the end in other to get the full idea of the different languages of love.
The 5 Languages of Love (Simplified)
- Words of Affirmation
- Quality Time
- Receiving Gifts
- Acts of Service
- Physical touch
1. Words of Affirmation:
This in its simplest form means, using words to express one’s love for their spouse. Solomon in the bible had this love language, it can be seen in the book songs of Solomon where he constantly used words to express his love for a woman. There are a lot of people out there who express love emotionally by using words that build up. People in this category love verbal compliments or words of appreciation. The best way to show those in this category is by using words of love. Ok, let me give you a life example cited in the book.
“Several years ago, I was sitting in my office with my door open. A lady walking down the hall said, “Have you got a minute?” “Sure, come in.” She sat down and said, “Dr. Chapman, I’ve got a problem. I can’t get my husband to paint our bedroom. I have been after him for nine months. I have tried everything I know, and I can’t get him to paint it.” My first thought was, Lady, you are at the wrong place. I am not a paint contractor. But I said, “Tell me about it.” She said, “Well, last Saturday was a good example. You remember how pretty it was? Do you know what my husband did all day long? He washed and waxed the car.” “So what did you do?” “I went out there and said, ‘Bob, I don’t understand you. Today would have been a perfect day to paint the bedroom,
and here you are washing and waxing the car.’” “So did he paint the bedroom?” I inquired. “No. It’s still not painted. I don’t know what to do.” “Let me ask you a question,” I said. “Are you opposed to clean, waxed cars?” “No, but I want the bedroom painted.” “Are you certain that your husband knows that you want the bedroom painted?” “I know he does,” she said. “I have been after him for nine months.” “Let me ask you one more question. Does your husband ever do anything good?” “Like what?” “Oh, like taking the garbage out, or getting bugs off the windshield of the car you drive, or putting gas in the car, or paying the electric bill, or hanging up his coat?” “Yes,” she said, “he does some of those things.” “Then I have two suggestions. One, don’t ever mention painting the bedroom again.” I repeated, “Don’t ever mention it again.” “I don’t see how that’s going to help,” she said.
The object of love is not getting something you want but doing something for the well-being of the one you love. It is a fact, however, that when we receive affirming words we are far more likely to be motivated to reciprocate.
“Look, you just told me that he knows that you want the bedroom painted. You don’t have to tell him anymore. He already knows. The second suggestion I have is that the next time your husband does anything good, give him a verbal compliment. If he takes the garbage out, say, ‘Bob, I want you to know that I really appreciate your taking the garbage out.’ Don’t say, ‘About time you took the garbage out. The flies were going to carry it out for you.’ If you see him paying the electric bill, put your hand on his shoulder and say, ‘Bob, I really appreciate your paying the electric bill. I hear there are husbands who don’t do that, and I want you to know how much I appreciate it.’ Every time he does anything good, give him a verbal compliment.” “I don’t see how that’s going to get the bedroom painted.” I said, “You asked for my advice. You have it. It’s free.” She wasn’t very happy with me when she left. Three weeks later, however, she came back to my office and said, “It worked!”.
You could see that her husband loves a compliment. Don’t get me wrong, I know everyone loves to be complimented but to some, it means more than it does to others. To those who have it as their primary language, they consistently want it, they always want you to tell them how much you love them. Without this, they wouldn’t feel like you love them, even if you are intimate with them or gives them lots of gifts or even do their laundry. If you do not communicate love to them first with their primary love language, every other thing you are doing wouldn’t really count.
There are several dialects under this language. Such as:
- Encouraging words
- Kind words
- Humble words Etc.
2. Quality time:
Quality time means giving someone your undivided attention. This is more than staying in one room with your spouse, it’s more than sitting down to watch television together. Its more about giving your spouse your undivided attention, no television, no work, no kids, just the two of you talking to each other with constant eye contact. Those with this language as their primary love language will always yearn for their spouse to periodically put everything on a pause and take time to stay with them because this is how they will feel you love them.
I have a personal experience with this language because this is the primary love language of my girlfriend, we have been dating for 3 years now as I write this and throughout this period it has been like our honeymoon period do not want to end, we have been wracking our heads looking for why our relationship is different when all around us, we see couples fall out of the honeymoon phase within the first six months. It was only when I read this book I realized why our honeymoon has lasted this long, it was because I have always been communicating love to her in her own primary love language, even though my love language was different.
She also had always been communicating she loves me in my primary love language, so that kept our love tank always full. That’s what happens when you learn to communicate “I Love You” to your partner in their primary love language.
There are several dialects under this language but I will mention two
- Quality Conversation
- Quality Activities